Do we act in a way that we would punish them for?
Children don't know how to deal with the overwhelming feelings that come over them. We can show them how to appropriately diffuse intense emotions. If we can appropriately diffuse our own emotions!
If we want our kids to be able to handle their own emotions, we need to handle our own emotions.
Do we act in a way that we would punish them for? Children don't know how to deal with the overwhelming feelings that come over them. We can show them how to appropriately diffuse intense emotions. If we can appropriately diffuse our own emotions!
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I subscribed to a newsletter called Parenting Journey at www.arfamilies.org I Love it!! They quote my favorite book! ""Parents have a tremendous opportunity to influence their kids' emotional intelligence by helping them learn self-soothing behaviors from infancy on." (John Gottman, professor of psychology, in his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. p. 41) When your child is upset or afraid, first soothe yourself. Take a deep breath. Think about their challenges. Then comfort them. Instead of lecturing them, let them know that they are heard and that their feelings matter. When children know their needs will be met when they are appropriately expressed, children will learn to handle small upsets in life on their own." Love,
Alison Taken from chapter 3 in Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child-
The five steps Emotion Coaching Parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children: 1. Being aware of the child's emotion 2. Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching 3. Listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings 4. Helping the child verbally label emotions 5. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve Last night as we were walking from the car into the house, my son was playing a game on my Ipad. He tripped on a step and fell. Obviously he was ok, but he laid there an moaned because it scared him. I walked back and said with a little exasperation, "Honey, you fell? Did you break the Ipad? No? Good. Well get up and come into the house. And don't play it until you are done walking." My command was unclear: 'until you are done walking?' what does that mean? Of course, he played it while we walked into the house. My command was new and inconsistent: I have let him play with my precious Ipad and walk at the same time a bunch of times even though I know five year olds get distracted easily and trip up. Once a freedom is granted it is difficult to take it back. It takes a little more thought and care to successfully remove a priviledge that was once given.
My feeble attempt to change the rule didn't go over well. I said, "Honey, I asked you not to play and walk at the same time. If you do, I will have to take it away. If you fall and break it, we will never be able to play it again." It was a lame threat with no starting point, duration or finish. He was already doing the thing I was threatening against! I confused the threat with the safety warning and the parameters of each were unclear. He came into the house, set the Ipad down, dropped to the floor face-down and wimpered. Here was my chance for Emotion Coaching! I said, "Oh honey, come here." He was a 'wet noodle' which made lifting him to the couch too tough. I sat on the floor beside him, "Come here, honey." Lifting him onto my lap was even too back-straining with the way he was intent on lying face down on the floor and avoiding my gaze and my touch. I said humorously, "Ok, I will lie with you." I laid next to him on the floor and said with as much compassion as I could muster, "Honey, did that hurt your feelings?" He whined louder, "Uh-huh." "Is it because I said you could never play the Ipad again?" "Uh-huh." "That would be really sad wouldn't it? I love to play the Ipad." "I do too!" he now let me hold him on my lap. "I'm so glad you didn't break it, because then we wouldn't be able to play it ever agian; it would be broken. That would be sad because I like to play it." "Me too," he now could look in my direction. I continued, "I have seen pictures of what Ipads look like when they get dropped and broken." His eyes got big, "Huh?" "Would you like to see a picture of what a broken one looks like?" "Yes!" "Ok, I will show you." We held hands as we walked to the computer and looked up broken Ipad pics. Episode over in less than five minutes. Before Emotion Coaching? He would have sulked and eventually bawled for at least 30 minutes or more and possibly shouted, "I hate you!" I would have lectured him on why he shouldn't be upset. I would have recounted for him all the services I had provided for him that day and told him if he wanted more favors from me he needed to be happy. Lol!! I am so glad I now know better!!!! Whew!!! Taken from Chapter One in Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: "Family life is our first school for emotional learning," writes Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence. "In this intimate cauldron we learn how to feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings; how to think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting; how to read and express hopes and fears This emotional schooling operates not just through the things parents say and do directly to children, but also in the models they offer for handling their own feelings and those that pass between husband and wife. Some parents are gifted emotional teachers, others atrocious."
I don't want to be an atrocious emotional teacher! I am afraid at times I have been! I have demanded that my son stop crying before he is done. And I have become angry at him for having negative feelings!! My poor son! Now that I know about Emotion Coaching, I am a much more loving mom when he is sad or upset. Thank Goodness! Taken from the Preface of the book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: Even the most warm, loving and caring parents often have attitudes about emotions that get in the way of being able to talk to children effectively when the child is sad, afraid or angry. Love is not enough, by itself. Channeling that love into some basic skills that parents practise as if they are coaching their child in the arena of emotion was enough.
John Gottman and his research team have studied parents and children in very detailed laboratory studies and followed the children as they developed. After a decade of research, the team encountered a group of parents who did five very simple things with their children when the children were emotional. They call those five things "Emotion Coaching." They found that the children who had Emotion Coaching parents were on an entirely different developmental trajectory than the children of other parents. The Emotion- Coaching parents had children who simply had more general abilities in the area of their own emotions than children who were not coached by their parents. These abilities included being able to regulate their own emotional states. The children were better at soothing themselves when they were upset. They could calm down their hearts faster. Because of the superior performance in that part of their physiology that is involved in calming themselves, they had fewer infectious illnesses. They were better at focusing attention. They related better to other people, even in the tough social situations they encountered in middle childhood like getting teased, (where being overly emotional is a liability not an asset.) They were better at understanding people. They had better friendships with other children. They were better at situations in school that required academic performance. In short, they had developed a kind of "IQ" that is about people and the world of feelings, or emtional intelligence. The book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child will teach you the five steps of Emotion Coaching so that you can raise an emotionally intelligent child. I hope to help parents learn the principles of Emotion Coaching since they have completely changed my family relationships for the better! We are more tolerant of our moods and can work through all of our negative emotions easier with less frustration and fewer power struggles. I am a fan!!!! |
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